fighting words

People talk. 

They say all kinds of things without thinking; or, what's worse, they say things that they've carefully considered. 

By "they" I mean you. And me. And your friends. And your family. Neighbours, kids, priests, crossing guards, bartenders, everyone.

Why do words affect us? What incredible substance are they made of that they can cut like the sharpest of knives or mend the bones of broken relationships? How is it that a string of phonemes can change everything?

Words are symbols. They represent things. We use them to convey information. We can do this because we agree upon the meaning of any given word (for the most part).  A word is an abstraction of a thing or an idea – it's a sign, and we put a bunch of them together to create a concise, if complex, utterance.

This image is the most famous example of what I'm on about. The caption reads: "This is not a pipe." and refers to the fact that the image you see is not a pipe. It's only a picture of a pipe (actually, what you see is a digital copy of a picture of a pipe, but you get the idea). Confused? Don't worry, it's confusing. There is no pipe, but you see a pipe. It's a trick. But don't be mad.

Words do pretty much the same thing as the image of the pipe. They're only sound (or text), but we're so accustomed to thinking about them as the things which they represent that they effectively (or affectively) become the thing itself.

So, a word ≠ just a word.

I find that most people don't operate their words with caution. I'm guilty of this from time to time, too, which is worse because I'm a word-person and I should know better. It's easy to get caught up in an argument or toss out a few choice judgements about someone if you think they can't hear you. I try not to be careless in conversation or when I'm revealing what I think or how I feel. It's challenging and it's no wonder some people are miserable at it.

But because of the way words work, we should think of them as actions. Whenever you say something, you are in fact doing something. It's like when you use words to make a promise - the thing you've said creates an expectation of a future action.  Even the phrase "make a promise" describes an act of creation. All speech works on the same principle: words make things. Well, not things per se, but impressions at the very least.

Words are real. They're also easy to make (for most of us), so we often don't consider what they do after we say them. They don't just disappear. Words get stuck, they clutter up minds and hearts like plaque. A few poorly (or strategically) chosen words can alter the course of a life, a relationship, a career. Words build on one another and their meanings can change over time, so you have to keep up if you want to understand and be understood. 

The meanings of words go deep. And they are different for everyone. Communities learn language from each other by observing and imitating the words other members use (the same can be said of any custom or behaviour). Ever notice how friends who are very close have their own style of speaking to each other? Nicknames? Inside jokes? Acronyms? Because they spend a lot of time communicating, they learn how the other interprets words (among other things) and creates meaning from speech. 

A miscommunication between friends can be a really big deal. It shakes the foundation of the relationship and forces the friends to question the structure - the wordbuilding - that houses their mutual interests and affection. It's no surprise that people become more sensitive to words after a miscommunication, and just talking gets harder to do (let alone the I'm-pissed-at-you email).

A fight (in this case, a verbal or textual argument) is communication under stress. The meanings of words become heightened as the combatants scour each phrase for implication, insinuation, and insensitivity. It can be brutal if you're trying to express complex ideas because anything you say can be taken in a few different ways. So, if you're fighting with someone, avoid complex ideas. Keep it simple. State your feelings, but don't rationalize them.  Be blunt. But for Pete's sake, recognize that you have to choose your words carefully because you could really do some damage with those things.